LT #1: EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION

This is Part 1 of a series of 11 Life Traps (LTs) explained by psychologists J.E. Young & J. S. Klosko (1994) in their co-authored book Reinventing Your Life. Klosko & Young discuss in detail how each of the 11 LTs are created during childhood, and then re-created over and over again throughout our adult lives. Each LT cycle is triggered the most within our intimate relationships. Also explained is how one can go about breaking each dysfunctional LT cycle. This in turn can enable people to experience more fulfilling relationships with themselves as well as others.

According to Young & Klosko (1994) emotional deprivation is the most common LT, yet it is the hardest to detect. Because this LT begins so early on, (before we knew how to talk), it is hard to realize when we are caught up in this cycle. At the core of false beliefs stemming from this LT, is the deep fixed belief that our needs for love will never be met. We believe that we are going to be lonely forever, never understood or heard, and that certain things will never be fulfilled for us. We always feel like something is missing, and a feeling of emptiness never leaves us.

“The image that most captures this meaning is that of a neglected child. Emotional deprivation is what the neglected child feels. It is a feeling of aloneness, of nobody there. It is a sad and heavy sense of knowledge that you are destined to be alone” (p. 113).

As an adult, feelings of detachment are very common. If you feel that you are not close to anyone (family members or friends), this may be your core LT. Other features of this LT include more often than not feeling like: you need more love than you get; that no one really understands you; you have a pattern of often being attracted to cold partners who can’t meet your needs; you are disconnected, even from people who are close to you; you have a hard time letting people guide, protect, and/or love you even though you desire such things.

Within relationships there can be a tendency for people with this LT to be demanding b/c no matter how much people give, it never seems like it’s enough. Yet, those who are emotionally deprived usually have no problem giving nurturance to others, as it is a way they compensate for their own feelings of unmet emotional needs. This pattern leaves emotionally deprived people chronically disappointed in others. There is an extended pattern of being let down by others. “If your conclusion as a result of all your relationships is that you cannot count on people to be there for you emotionally – that is a sign that you have this [LT]” (p. 114).

ORIGINS

“The origins of emotional deprivation lie in the person who serves as the maternal figure for the child – the person who is chiefly responsible for giving the child emotional nurturance. That first relationship becomes the prototype for those that follow” (p.114).

Origins of Emotional Deprivation

1. The mother is cold and unaffectionate.
2. The child does not have a sense of being loved and valued.
3. The mother does not give her child enough time and attention.
4. The mother is not really tuned into the child’s needs, has difficulty empathizing with the child’s world, and is not really connecting with her child.
5. The mother does not soothe the child, and in turn the child may not learn how to soothe him/herself, or to accept soothing from others.
6. The parents do not adequately guide the child or provide a sense of direction. There is no one solid for the child to rely upon.

Unless one experiences extreme neglect, this LT can be hard to recognize b/c it is created by that which is missing, that which is something the child never knew. For example, many people feel that their childhood was normal because they may have had all their needs met materially. However, when people begin to describe past and current relationships a disturbing pattern of disconnect will emerge, along with other emotions, such as being hypersensitive to the threat of being deprived, or a pattern of chronic anger.

RELATIONSHIPS

Some people with this LT avoid romantic relationships altogether, or only get into them for a short period of time. This is an escape style of coping. Other relationship patterns that fall under this LT are: breaking off relationships when a partner starts to get to close; protecting yourself from closeness by choosing partners who are often both physically and emotionally unavailable to you; choosing partners who are physically there, but emotionally cold and ungiving. “No matter what path you take, the final outcome is the same. You wind up in a situation that is emotionally depriving, thus replicating your childhood deprivation” (p. 118).

Below is a list of danger signals by Young & Klosko (1994) to avoid during the early stages of dating b/c “they are signals that you are about to repeat the pattern again and become involved with someone who is emotionally depriving" (p. 118).

Danger Signals in the Early Stages of Dating

1. He/she doesn’t listen to me.
2. He/she does all the talking.
3. He/she is not comfortable touching or kissing me.
4. He/she is only sporadically available to me.
5. He/she is cold and aloof.
6. You are much more interested in getting close than he/she is.
7. The person is not there for you when you feel vulnerable.
8. The less available he/she is, the more obsessed you become.
9. He/she does not understand your feelings.
10. You are giving much more than you are getting.

“When several of the above signals occur at once RUN – particularly if the chemistry is very strong. Your LT has been triggered in full force. It will be hard for you to take this advice b/c all of your yearning will be directed towards staying in the relationship” (p. 118).

“Even if you choose an appropriate partner who is emotionally giving, there are still pitfalls to avoid as your relationship progresses” (p. 119):

Emotional Deprivation Life Traps in a Relationship

1. You don’t tell your partner what you need, then feel disappointed when your needs are not met.
2. You don’t tell your partner how you feel, and then feel disappointed when you are not understood.
3. You don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable so that your partner can protect or guide you.
4. You feel deprived, but you don’t say anything. You harbor resentment.
5. You become angry and demanding.
6. You constantly accuse your partner of not caring enough about you.
7. You become distant and unreachable.

“You might reinforce your deprivation by sabotaging the relationship. You might become hypersensitive to signs of neglect. You might expect your partner to read your mind and almost magically to fill your needs. Although some people Counterattack by becoming demanding in relationships, most do not ask for what they want, and then become very hurt, withdrawn or angry when [their] emotional needs are not met” (p. 119).

When people with this LT Counterattack, they are compensating for feeling deprived by becoming demanding and hostile. “These people [then become] narcissistic. They act as if they are entitled to get all their needs met. They demand a lot and often get a lot from the people who become their lovers. Narcissists have learned to fight the feelings of deprivation by becoming very demanding about other, more superficial needs. For example, you might be very demanding about what you eat, how you dress, or who you are with, or where you go. You might be very demanding about material things. You might be demanding about anything except the true object of your craving, which is emotional nurturance” (p. 120).

“Unfortunately, these material demands are ultimately a poor substitute for love and understanding, and so you are not satisfied. You go on craving tangible rewards, never addressing the underlying issue, and are never satisfied” (p. 120).

“There is an inauthentic quality to a relationship with a narcissist. Intimate encounters, even with the people they are closest to, remain superficial. If this is you, at some level you feel a sense of despair at the shallowness of your relationships. It is because you are so seldom demanding about the needs that are most pressing, the primary emotional needs, that your encounters strike a note of falseness” (p. 120).

The following list by Young & Klosko (1994) outline the beginning steps to move towards changing the cycle of emotional deprivation:

Changing Emotional Deprivation

1. Acknowledge and understand your childhood deprivation.
2. Monitor your feelings of deprivation in your current relationships. Get in touch with your needs for nurturance, empathy and guidance.
3. Review past relationships and clarify recurring patterns.
4. Avoid cold partners who generate high chemistry.
5. When you find a partner who is emotionally generous, give the relationship a chance to work. Ask for what you want. Share your vulnerability with your partner.
6. Stop blaming your partner and demanding that your needs be met.

Many people will tend to feel a mixture of both anger and grief about their deprivation. These emotions must be confronted to break this cycle, as continuing to repress such emotions and blaming others for not living up to your standards or expectations will only allow this dysfunctional cycle to continue.

“Teach yourself to notice when your LT is being triggered. It might be at a time that you feel slighted, lonely, empty or that no one understands how you feel. You might feel sad that your partner is unavailable, or cold or ungiving. You might feel angry that you always have to be the strong one, that you are always the one who takes care of your partner, and that it is never the other way around. Any strong feelings of deprivation can serve as a cue that your LT is triggered and that you should pay attention to what is going on” (p. 123).