WHO'S ON TOP?

By Martha Beck

Who's smarter, prettier, richer? Who's got a better backhand, a flatter stomach, a faster-track job? If you can't stop comparing yourself to others, you've got a case of what Asian philosophers call monkey mind, and, honey, it will only drive you bananas. Martha Beck directs you to a more evolved, happier plane.

Marie is doing Alice's hair when along comes Tanya, a mutual acquaintance. Tanya has the perfect life: great body, well-behaved children, primo social status. Watching her walk by, Alice admires her beauty, then relaxes into the pleasant sensation of Marie's hands arranging her hair. Marie, by contrast, nearly explodes with jealousy and competitiveness. Her teeth and stomach clench as she watches Tanya flaunt her long limbs, thick hair, and—most enviable of all—her hugely swollen, rose-red rump. Tanya, Marie, and Alice are baboons, social primates who share around 95 percent of our DNA and a lot of our psychological traits. Scientists have found that some baboons (like Marie) are extremely competitive, others (like Alice) more mellow, less worried about measuring up. The more rank-conscious baboons suffer higher blood pressure—a stress-related condition we associate with driven, competitive humans.

No wonder some Asian philosophies refer to rank-obsessed human thinking as "monkey mind" and "comparing mind"—what I call "crazy mind." Constantly measuring ourselves against others sours and shortens our lives, robbing us of the very things we think it will bring: prosperity, love, inner peace, the knowledge that we're good enough. We have advantages baboons do not, though. We can notice when we've stumbled into monkey mind, and we can think our way out.

Why "Comparing Mind" Is Insane

Comparing and contrasting is a valuable human skill—and not just during high school English exams. Our ability to rank-order things is invaluable in making choices and setting priorities. But problems arise when comparing mind is the only mode of perception we access. Every gathering, conversation, or friendship becomes a stressful contest: Will I "win" in this situation, or will someone else turn out to be prettier, smarter, richer, thinner…in a word, better?

This way of thinking is absurd, because outside the realm of human perception, the concept of better is meaningless. Here's a challenge for you: Go outside and find the best possible stick. Why aren't you going? Perhaps because the request is ridiculous. What do I mean by "the best possible stick"? For doing what? Digging? Toasting marshmallows? Poking a weasel? A stick that's ideal for one purpose might be useless for another.

This makes comparing mind a setup for failure. Even if you can be the world's best at one thing, you'll be the world's worst at something else. Supermodels make pathetic sumo wrestlers. A brilliant orator who speaks only one language sounds like a babbling fool in another. If you spent your life mastering all languages, you might still suck at engineering, croquet, watercolor, etc. Since comparing mind hates being less than best at anything, you lose. Always. The relentless search for victory, security, love, and self-esteem invariably ends in failure, insecurity, enmity, and self-hatred.

Slowly Going Bananas

It seems that no matter where you are on the planet, the competitive madness was bred into your cells and reinforced in countless social interactions. But you can learn to watch for monkey mind to appear, to notice when it starts tainting your life. Like a virus, it generally sneaks up on you unseen; what you'll observe are its symptoms. Here are some telltale diagnostics:

You get irritable or depressed when someone else succeeds.

You don't feel loved or loving.

Meeting a successful person, you feel anxious rather than honored.

It seems to you that a victorious end justifies morally dubious means.

You actively hope for others to do badly or to fail.

You don't know what you like until you know what others think.

You're dogged by shame; you never feel good enough.

Winning creates a brief happy moment, which quickly gives way to anxiety.

Losing devastates you to the point of despair.

You criticize everyone and believe everyone is criticizing you.

THE SECRETS YOU'RE NOT TELLING YOURSELF

I think the below message is highly relevant. Perhaps it’s because of the amount of time I focus on researching how repression subjectively functions, and in turn the self-defeating behavior patterns it creates. Counterattacking (i.e., externalizing), Escaping & Surrendering (different styles of incongruently coping) are no substitute …

By Martha Beck

You may not want to get in touch with your messiest feelings—sadness, rage, resentment—but one way or another, they're going to get in touch with you. Martha Beck shows you how to defuse and deal.

"Of course I'm out of my mind," said one of my daughter's friends the other day. "It's dark and scary in there!"

I wish all of us were so honest. Freud's great contribution was the recognition that consciousness holds only a small fraction of the things we know and feel. Beneath this tidy space lie the subconscious and unconscious levels of thought—cavern systems containing hidden labyrinths and spooky creatures. It's a place most of us avoid, pushing away dark thoughts in a process known as repression.

The problem is that, as therapists like to say, "What we resist persists." The further we withdraw from difficult issues, the more likely they are to spill out. The only way to keep this from happening is to go spelunking in our own forbidden, forbidding depths.

The Things We Almost Know

Repression sometimes occurs involuntarily—for instance, when soldiers in battle experience so much pain and fear that they psychologically dissociate and later have a flat, emotionless memory (or no memory at all) of the event. Most repression, however, involves an element of choice. This is not the kind of explicit decision-making we use to solve intellectual problems but the conditioned avoidance of psychological pain.

This can be exhausting, because the mind doesn't like hiding things from itself. We often deal with this by keeping our attention riveted on other things: eating, shopping, work, television, alcohol—anything but quiet relaxation. The best long run result we can hope for is chronic stress; the worst, flat-out breakdown. To figure out whether you may benefit from mental cave diving, take this quiz.

The antidote to repression is expression. Here's a five-step process to help your conscious mind tunnel through the walls of denial: http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/omag/ss_omag_200503_mbeck_b.jhtml

(MY) "WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?" QUIZ RESULTS ...

You aren't repressing much. You can generally trust yourself to maintain an even keel and a healthy emotional life. You're a good judge of people, but you tend to be a bit gullible and naive. It might help to remember not everyone is as open and straightforward as you are.

The Four Agreements

Love the 4 points by D. M. Ruiz below, especially the “Don’t Take Anything Personally” rule!! Personalization is a huge maladaptive thought pattern that is all too common. If one never becomes aware of socialized habits of personalization, not only when and what others are projecting onto us, but also our own patterns of projecting our subjective repressed emotions onto everyone we interact with, I strongly believe that self-liberation can never be reached. Additionally, even if you’re not that into observing energy fields, just imagine the type of energy you permit out into your environment, and what you attract back when functioning from a stance of personalization, unaware projections and repressed emotions. No fun to say the least … and if you’re a big externalizer, I can just imagine how exhausting many interactions must become for you!

Yet, talk about self-liberation … as soon as one realizes just how irrelevant the opinions and mind-chatter of others are, so much needless worry & assumptions can be let go of, and your energy can be better spent focused elsewhere on manifesting something so much more fruitful and prosperous!! As I’ve been saying since 2008 began (and just in time since it’s a political year) people truly are worth so much more than just their opinions. Think about it … is the core essence of who individuals are defined by their thoughts (which are always subject to change based on life exps/exposure), or are you capable of seeing others (in addition to yourself) separate from their opinions/thoughts? Are you able to see within yourself and others all the various unique components that make up who you/they are in your/their totality?

The Four Agreements
by Don Miguel Ruiz

According to Don Miguel Ruiz, everything we do is based on agreements we have made—agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth.

In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel reveals the source of self-limiting agreements that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. When we are ready to change these agreements, there are four deceptively simple, yet powerful agreements that we can adopt as guiding principles. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.

The Four Agreements are:

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD.Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the of truth and love.

**Note for all you gossip lovers out there: Gossip is a way of avoiding confrontation and a great example of how we break our integrity with ourselves. If gossiping about others makes you feel powerful, perhaps you should look at why you feel powerless. When you gossip and feel badly about yourself afterwards, you're betraying yourself.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY.Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST.Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well-rested. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.The Four Agreements sound simple, even simplistic. But try keeping just one for an entire day!

Source:

http://www.oprah.com/tows/booksseen/tows_book_20000925_dmruiz.jhtml