LT #2: Abandonment

According to Young & Klosko (1994), those who have Abandonment as their central LT subconsciously believe that they will lose the people they love and be left emotionally isolated forever. Somehow the feeling that you will be left alone, by people dying, leaving you, moving away, etc., never leaves you … you expect to be abandon.

This LT gives you a sense of despair about love. You believe that no matter how good things get, your relationships are destined for a doomed ending. It is also difficult for you to believe that that people will be there for you, and that they are still there for you in some way when they are physically absent (Young & Klosko, 1994).

“Most people are not upset by short separations from their loved ones. They know the relationship will survive the separation intact. But with the Abandonment LT there is no such security … You want to cling to people too much, and you become inappropriately angry of frightened at the possibility of any separation, no matter how slight. Particularly in romantic relationships, you feel emotionally dependant on the other person, and you fear the loss of that intimate connection” (Young & Klosko, 1994, p. 62).

The roots of this LT begin very early in life before an infant learns how to speak, and involve either a connection that once existed, but then was lost, or a parent connection that unpredictably fluctuated between being emotionally present and absent. Please note that just because a parent is physically present does not mean that they are emotionally present and able to connect … you may have had a stable maternal figure, but she may have been instable in the way she related to you. Everything with this LT is dependant upon the degree of connection v. disconnection that was experienced. Because this LT began so early, it has a tremendous emotional force. A person with severe Abandonment responds to even a brief separation with the feelings of a small child who has been abandoned (Young & Klosko, 1994).

Early childhood environments that were either too secure and overprotected, (creating the belief that one cannot survive alone), or emotionally unstable (creating the belief that instability and loss are always certain) create this LT. When it comes to emotional instability, a child who experiences an emotional intimate connection that is then lost grows up not being able to bear being apart from the people he/she loves because of the way he/she feels without them. It becomes a matter of feeling like you are connected or disconnected to the rest of humanity. When any close connection is lost you are thrown into nothingness (Young & Klosko, 1994).

Loss of a parent at an early age (separation via death, divorce, adoption, illness, etc.) is the most dramatic origin of this LT, particularly during the first year of an infant’s life. Generally the earlier the loss, the more vulnerable the child and the more potent the LT is going to be. How deeply the loss will affect you throughout your life depends on the quality of your intimate connections created with others. For example, if you are able to establish a connection with a substitute parent, such as a stepparent that can help.

Origins of the Abandonment LT (Young & Klosko, 1994, p. 68):

1. You may have a biological predisposition to separation anxiety – difficulty being alone.

2. A parent died or left home when you were young.

3. Your biological mother was hospitalized or separated from you for a prolonged period when you were a child.

4. You were raised by nannies or in an institution by a succession of mother figures, or you were sent away to boarding school at a very young age.

5. Your mother was unstable. She became angry, drunk, depressed, or in some way withdrew from you on a regular basis.

6. Your parents divorced when you were young or fought so much that you worried the family would fall apart.

7. You lost the attention of a parent in a significant way, ex: your parent remarried or younger siblings were born.

8. Your family was excessively close and you were overprotected. You never learned to deal with life difficulties as a child.

Once this LT is triggered, the common cycle of negative emotions are fear, grief, and then anger. Usually you need other people around you to feel soothed. However, some w/this LT can also be alone for long periods of time due to a desire to withdraw from close relationships out of hurt and fear of being hurt again. Those who withdraw do so based on already facing a certain level of loneliness as a child, learning from that experience that they can survive. Being withdrawn is not the issue … the process of loss is what is devastating. Pain stems from having a connection, then losing it and being thrown back into loneliness one more time. As children, these withdrawn types who suffer from Abandonment, responded to the loss of a connection by becoming more autonomous. Since no one took care of them, they learned how to take care of themselves (Young & Klosko, 1994).

As with all LTs, Abandonment is triggered mostly through intimate relationships. It may not be apparent in groups or casual relationships, but separations from intimate loved ones are the most powerful triggers. The separation does not even have to be real … thoughts, or reading the intent of others (sometimes falsely) to separate is enough to trigger this LT. Anything that feels disconnected can trigger this LT. The feeling of being abandon is so easily triggered because feeling emotionally abandonment is always with you (Young & Klosko, 1994).

Overall those with this LT seldom experience romantic relationships that are calm and steady. Often they experience roller coaster rides, feeling that a relationship is on the brink of catastrophe … constant anxiety over the possibility that the connection to the loved one could be lost. Relationships always feel unstable, and the sense that you might lose the person you love is always there. Jealousy and possessiveness are also common themes. Becoming excessively clingy early in the relationship is common. Clinging reinforces this LT because it reinforces the idea that you are going to lose the person. It keeps the possibility of abandonment alive in the relationship. Some people cope with this LT by avoiding intimate relationships altogether(Young & Klosko, 1994).

People with this LT are most likely drawn to lovers who hold some potential for abandoning them, allowing you to create your own self-fulfilling prophecy and constantly re-experience the trauma that this LT caused you as a child. Some warning signs that you relationship is triggered by your Abandonment LT are as follows (Young & Klosko, 1994, p. 73):

1. You chose a partner who is unlikely to make a long-term commitment because he/she is married or involved in another relationship.

2. Your partner is not consistently available for you to spend time together (e.g., he/she travels a lot, lives far away, is a workaholic, etc.).

3. Your partner is emotionally unstable.

4. Your partner insists on his/her freedom to come and go, does not want to settle down, or wants the freedom to have as many lovers as he/she wishes.

5. Your partner is ambivalent about you – he/she wants you, but holds back emotionally; or one moment acts deeply in love w/you and the next moment acts as though you do not exist.

You have a pattern of being attracted to partners who present some hope for stability, but not complete hope – who present a mixture of hope and doubt. You get a rush from the possibility that you might win the person permanently, or at least get the person to relate to you in a more stable fashion. Living in an unstable love relationship feels comfortable and familiar to you because it is what you have always known. This instability keeps activating your LT, generating a steady flow of “chemistry.” This is what you define as being/staying passionately in love. Choosing partners who are not really there for you ensures that you will continue to reenact your childhood abandonment (Young & Klosko, 1994).

How your Abandonment LT plays out in a relationship (Young & Klosko, 1994, p. 74):

1. You avoid intimate relationships even w/appropriate partners because you are afraid of losing the person or getting too close and being hurt.

2. You worry excessively about the possibility that your partner will die or otherwise be lost, and what you would do.

3. You overact to minor things your partner says or does, and interpret them as signs that he/she wants to leave you.

4. You are excessively jealous and possessive.

5. You cling to your partner. Your whole life becomes obsessed with keeping him/her.

6. You cannot stand to be away from your partner, even for a few days.

7. You are never fully convinced that your partner will stay with you.

8. You get angry and accuse your partner of not being loyal or faithful.

9. You sometimes detach, leave or withdraw to punish your partner for leaving you alone.

Also, it is possible that you are in a healthy, stable relationship, but still continue to feel that the relationship is unstable. Because of this, a common pattern is often found of pushing the people you love away with one hand, while clinging to them with the other (Young & Klosko, 1994).

People with this LT usually do not feel good when they are alone – possibly becoming anxious, detached or depressed. Detachment in particular is the way in which one copes with this LT by counterattacking. When you are detached you are denying the need for a connection. There is usually some anger mixed in with your detachment and it is partly punitive. You punish your partner for withdrawing from you, for not giving you what you need. This may help you temporarily cope, but you pay a steep price by giving up your feelings to exist as a chilly emotional numbness (Young & Klosko, 1994).

A real loss, such as the breakup of a relationship is completely devastating to you. It confirms your sense that no matter where you turn you will never find a stable connection. You also have an underlying view of friendships as unstable. You believe that you cannot really count on them to last. People come and go in your life.

Young & Klosko (1994) list 6 ways you can change your Abandonment LT (p. 77):

1. Understand the root cause of your childhood abandonment.

2. Monitor your feelings of abandonment. Identify your hypersensitivity to losing close people; your desperate fears of being alone; your need to cling to people.

3. Review past relationships and clarify the patterns that recur.

4. Avoid uncommitted, unstable, or ambivalent partners even though they generate high chemistry. When you find a partner who is stable and committed, trust him/her. Believe that he/she is there for you and will not leave you.

5. Do not cling, become jealous or overreact to the normal separations of a healthy relationship.

*Note: “After so much experience w/abandonment, it is hard to learn to trust. But this is the only way to finally step out of the cycle and find fulfillment in love. Get off the roller coaster. Give up the wild, unstable love in favor of the strong and steady” (Young & Klosko, 1994, p. 81).

*Photo by Ray BiCliff